A Mothers Ramblings: The day I died

Friday, 19 March 2010

The day I died

Whilst I was pregnant with Top Ender I read about every single problem that could go wrong with the birth. I wanted to be prepared just in case. I wrote a letter to Top Ender and to Daddy that I hid in my underwear drawer just in case anything happened to me during the birth. I kept these morose thoughts to myself because Daddy is a natural worrier and I didn't need him knowing anymore than contractions start, baby comes out.

Top Enders actual birth was quite normal. Well her cord was wrapped around her neck (which I knew as I could see on the monitor after every contraction her heart rate dropped a little and I told the Midwife that the cord was around the babies neck as the heart rate kept dropping but she told me it didn't mean that, but I could tell from the panic in her eyes I was right) but that was resolved without any hassle.

Top Ender and I moments after her birth
I held Top Ender in my arms before passing her to Daddy as I was going to be stitched up, as I had a couple of small tears. A trainee midwife was going to do the work and she warned me that this may hurt more than the labour itself and that I should use the gas and air. It was at this point that she said that I wasn't using the gas and air properly and had basically just given birth without any pain relief. Take long deep breaths she said.

The first stitch went in and I remember thinking that she was right this hurt more than the labour and took a long deep breath of the gas and air and another and another...

As I took the deep calming breaths of the gas and air I could feel myself getting lighter, floating away from the pain and the bed that I was reclined on.

Time. slowed. down.

I could see Daddy holding Top Ender, I could see the trainee midwife busy working and all I could hear were my own thoughts which were suddenly interrupted by a long high pitched beep.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I suddenly realised that the monitor next to me was making the noise. Only one machine in a hospital makes a noise like this. The only time that you hear this noise is when a heart monitor is tracing your heart and your heart stops.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

The first thought that went through my head was that I had held my daughter before I had died and that her Daddy would look after her and love her for the both of us. I was so sad that I was going to leave Top Ender and Daddy behind but was so calm about it because I knew that they would be okay.

I focused my eyes on them wanting them to be the last thing I saw before I died.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

It was now that I realised that I was taking an awfully long time to die and that neither the trainee midwife or Daddy seemed too bothered by my sudden lack of heart activity.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I turned to look at the heart monitor next to me and then remembered that it wasn't a heart monitor it was a fetal heart and uterine contraction monitor. It was no longer monitoring anything and had decided to alert those around that there was no activity by emitting a long high pitched beep.

The trainee midwife saw me looking at the machine and lent over and turned it off, whilst I put the gas and air tube down and braced myself for the rest of the stitches.

After nearly dying a few stitches wouldn't be that bad.