Right back at the start of the month I mentioned that there were three ladies who had inspired this post. Today my guest post is from one of those ladies. The bacon loving, photo taking, straight talking, twittering, Pole dancing (North pole dancing?), Apple product loving Jay!
A Traditional Christmas, mocha beanie style.
1st Dec: OMG IT'S CHRISTMAS WE HAVE TO GET THE TREE UP NOW TODAY IT CAN'T GO UP TOMORROW AND WHY THE HELL IS THE STUFF NOT OUT THE LOFT YET AND OMG I NEED PARTY FOOD AND WHERE IS THE WINE AND CHAMPAGNE NOW PLEASE. Oh I do love me some good Christmas music. *listens to Walking Round In Women's Underwear by Weird Al Yankovich*
2nd Dec: Hello mince pie, come here so I can I inhale you like my life depended on it. Also? Ecclefechan tarts? Oh HELL YEAH.
3rd Dec: So what are we having for Christmas dinner? I want ham. Just, not Gordon Ramsay ham. Or ham cooked in Cherry Coke. Or anything that's going to make me ralph. We had ham last year? And the year before? Oh. Ok...how about gammon then? Or roast pork? Are you sensing the theme yet?
5th Dec: Must buy an Advent calendar.
6th Dec: Ok, where is that Christmas gift list I wrote out for everyone about three months ago? I have Amazon to surf and Nectar points to collect. Wait...did I write a list? Is it on the other computer? Did I finish that bottle of wine? Where's the port?
9th Dec: Oh shit I have no idea where the Christmas card list is. Note to self, update address book. Bastard Christmas cards. It's not like school kids even want Christmas cards. I mean, it's not like they're going to read them. Much. Where's the port?
10th Dec: C'mon kids, we're going for a walk. I'm going to show you what happens when people don't mind having the most expensive electricity bill ever for one month, and also will do almost anything to get onto the local news for 3 years in a row. It's time? For the Local Residential Christmas Lights Tour.
13th Dec: Right. Buy Advent calendar. Right.
14th Dec: So...did we decide on Christmas dinner? Some form of pig, right?
16th Dec: I appear to be driving into the centre of Birmingham. It would appear to be the weekend. I appear to want to go Christmas shopping. It would appear that my balls aren't as big as I thought they were. I appear to have lost my mind.
17th Dec: Christmas card deadline? Shit, I should probably write them now.
19th Dec: Shouldn't we do the Christmas grocery shop sometime about now?
20th Dec: Hah! ALL Christmas presents wrapped and under the tree. What about you, bitches???
21st Dec: I appear to be walking into the Sainsbury's. It would appear to be 4 days until Christmas. I appear to be doing the Christmas grocery shopping. It would appear that somehow I have been suckered into this again. I appear to have lost my mind. Again.
23rd Dec: I miss you, Granny. Every year I try not to be sad, but I really am. Still. Some 24 years later. You'd think I'd be over losing you at Christmas by now, eh? Sadly not.
24th Dec 12pm: I wish The Mr was home already today.
24th Dec 3pm: YAY KIDS! Daddy is hoommmmmmmmme!!!!!!!
24th Dec 7pm: Yes I'm thinking it's time to crack open the champagne (Baileys for Nanan, if you please), throw the Sainsbury's party food in the oven, drink ourselves into a hilarious stupor, and be exhausted at 6 am when The Smalls bounce out of bed.
24th Dec 11pm: So, D, which present are you going to open at midnight? I think this one.
24th Dec 11:34pm: Or maybe this one.
24th Dec 11:41pm: Or perhaps this one.
24th Dec 11:43pm: How about this one?
25th Dec 12am: *Clink glasses* Merry Christmas! *rip open one present each*
25th Dec 12.07am : Load up The Smalls' Santa sacks and put them in their rooms. Time to pass out now, yes?
25th Dec 7:30am: *Hear movement but no ripping open of presents* Should we go in? Are they going to come out? Why haven't they ripped them open? Are our kids normal?
25th Dec 7:32am: Hey kids? Has Santa been? Ok, come into our bed and have a look through the sacks, while I take 17 frillion photos of every move you all make.
25th Dec 8:17am: Boys, you do know you can open more than one present, right? There might be more train track in this present. Or maybe another annoyingly noisy book? No? You just want that one present, eh? You know you don't need to climb on a present to open it, right?
25th Dec 8:22am: Bye bye Nanan! Yes - no - kids stop crying, you'll see her again soon, she'll be coming back. Look! Train track! Lego! Yay!
25th Dec 8:51am: BACON. And fried eggs, grilled black pudding, hash browns, sautéed mushrooms in butter and fresh orange juice.
25th Dec 11:32am: Lunch? What? Dude I'm still stuffed from the epic fry-up we just had for breakfast. *Belch* I will have a glass of champagne though.
25th Dec 11:34am: *Hic* Right, should start on Christmas dinner...
25th Dec 7:14pm: Ok, D, we do 3 courses for Christmas dinner, every year. And then we get to this point in the day where we start to think about Christmas pudding. And so far as yet, we've been so stuffed up to our eyeballs at this point, we just have no room for Christmas pudding. Are we EVER going to learn to NOT eat like gannets on Christmas day?
25th Dec 7:47pm: Port, cheese and grapes? Mmm yes please, don't mind if I do...
25th Dec 11:02pm: So, what we doing for Christmas next year? We're going to have ham, right?
