I lost my wallet
I lost my wallet.
Well, technically it was a business card holder that I used as a wallet by putting my bank cards and ID in along with a few business cards, but that's not the point.
It was missing.
I was pretty sure that it was somewhere in the house but none of us could find it, despite having looked everywhere, checked under everything, in everything and behind everything at least three billion times*.
Eventually, I had to face facts and arrange for everything to be replaced.
I couldn't work out why though. It wasn't like someone had stolen it, I had lost it. I hadn't been a victim of a crime and everything could easily be replaced, so it wouldn't be a hassle. I was angry at myself for having been stupid about losing something so important.
It was the voice in my head that was angry. It was the voice in my head that was berating me. It was the voice in my head that was thinking this easy to replace wallet was a big deal.
It started me on thinking about the little voice in my head, about what it's motivation was.
Why was it always trying to make me feel bad?
Why did it repeat negative memories and not positive ones?
Why was it always talking down to me?
Why was it rude and short and sharp?
Why was it such a bitch?
I wanted to change things.
I tried to start talking to myself in a more caring way.
I tried to stop the negative memories popping up, by remembering the positive ones.
I tried to talk in a way I would to my children.
I tried to be soft and calm and polite.
I tried to be nice.
Little by little the voice in my head started changing. It wasn't fast, it wasn't overnight, it wasn't really even noticeable to start with.
One day I dropped a carton of milk and instead of cursing myself, instead of telling myself I was stupid and clumsy and worthless the voice in my head said "Ya wally! Let's get this cleaned up before it smells and then we can get on with our day".
It was a revelation.
Of course there are still times when the voice is a little overbearing. When I wake up in a panic or when the negative thoughts just won't stop or I can't hear anything but my inner voice telling me how nobody likes me, loves me and that the world would be better without me, but it's getting better.
*Okay so maybe not three billion