The 3rd of January is Top Enders birthday, but this year when she turned five my Gran died. Now this day has two events linked to it with conflicting emotions.
I decided that Top Enders Birthday can be a day that we remember my Gran but not her death, after all it was Top Enders day first and so should be a happy day. We will remember all the fun times that we had with my Gran and all the silly and wonderful times that we had with her but today, the day that she was admitted to Hospital after collapsing in her home is the day that we can remember that she isn't with us anymore.
One year has past since you went to hospital and I still think about you everyday, I try calling you every once in a while and realise before the phone connects through that you can't answer anymore. I don't drive past where you use to live because it is too painful to think that I can't visit you anymore.
It makes me so sad to know that you are gone and that I can't hear you anymore, but I know that now you are healed and suffer no pain. I know that you are with those we both love who have gone before us and I know that you watch over me now.
Baby Boy has learnt to walk and is so loving towards everyone around him. He reminds me a lot of you, he has your laugh. Top Ender has lost her first tooth and she thinks of you often and remembers all the good times.
I hated seeing you in the hospital and I know that you knew what was happening. Thank you for holding Baby Boy so tight when he said Goodbye and for looking at Top Ender so lovingly. I hope that all the words I couldn't say were said when I held your hand.
Don't feel sad that you aren't with us because you are. You are in our hearts and always will be.