The Big Secret

How are the Summer Holidays going for you? For some of my Scottish friends, they are almost over and School is just a couple of weeks away... it makes me want to treasure this time with Top Ender and Big Boy even more, but I know that as always I'll forget that I want to do this as soon as they start squabbling tomorrow or if for some reason tonight I don't get as much sleep as I need to.

And that's the big secret that we all have in common isn't it? At least I hope it is. The secret where we pretend to be perfect and strong and ready for anything and in reality all I know for sure is that I'm not, but you and everyone else seems to be.

All I am is a scared grown up, worried half to death that what I'm doing for my family isn't the right thing. Worried that my children will turn out like me. This isn't some massive sympathy hunt, there are some good points about me, and if the Children learn them then great, but I want them to be better than me, I want them to be great and good and clever and to have their lives together, instead of just pretending.

So tomorrow, I'll try to treasure this time with the Children. We'll do some crafting and we'll do some writing and some drawing and we'll play and sing and dance and watch TV and yes, no doubt I will get angry because the Children do something that they shouldn't or when they start to hurt one and another and at least one of the Children will tell me that they hate me before storming off to their room but I'll take a deep breath and try again.

Big Boy writing why he loves Mummy

And then we'll start again, because even though we all try to keep it a secret that our lives are falling apart and we have more self doubt in a five minute period than was ever expressed in a whole Adrian Mole Diary the brilliant thing about us is that we do keep on going.

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